Leech your way to financial freedom.

Original Illustration by Shane Swinnea

Old folks tell me I’m too young and capable to retire at 25, which is ageist. I earned my retirement through many excruciating hours of mental gymnastics. Now I’m both a financial genius and the poisonous thorn in the side of people who love me unconditionally.

While most of my peers are lickin’ big wigs’ wingtips, my sugar daddy (also my real daddy) gave me his classy garden unit condo. It’s technically the basement of my childhood home, but it has its own private entrance: a window well with a trapped possum. There’s no bathroom in my condo and I’m…

An explanation of crowdsourced keyboard monkeys pillaging Wall Street.

“GameStop” by JeepersMedia is licensed under CC BY 2.0

I sold a 24k gold Wii to GameStop for $4 in 2008, why are they in my newsfeed now?

GameStop’s stock has been the subject of a high-profile trading strategy led by r/WallStreetBets, a Reddit-based community of self-aware, vulgar nerds igniting their student loan money to see if it multiplies. They’re memes with finance degrees from WebMD. However, this particular strategy seems to be working with the stock price up over 10x in 2021.

What’s so newsworthy about this strategy?

The crowdsourced keyboard monkeys discovered an opportunity to pillage Wall Street. Hedge funds (corporate casinos unrelated to botanical partitions) placed…

I’m going completely off the grid. In fact, consider me dead.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Hey big boss, it’s me, your Self Control. Just wanted to step in and let you know I’m going on a trip to Acapulco. I’ve been working major overtime these past few months, what with white-knuckling sanity and all. So I’m looking forward to a week of sunshine, pedicures, and fresh kombucha. Not your idea of fun? That’s why you have me! Otherwise, every waking moment would be a cocaine vodka orgy.

And just to level set, I won’t be available by text, email, Slack, blimp, or paratrooper. I’m going completely off the grid. In fact, consider me dead. No…

No tweet, slogan or drunk text goes unchecked.

Jakayla Toney via Unsplash

“The black mold — it’s rounding the corner. We’ve done an amazing job. Gone by December, they say. GONE.”
— Maria S., Realtor

This is false.

At the time of this email, the kitchen’s deadly black mold was not “rounding the corner” but was developing sentience at record pace. Soon after closing, the property was totaled by the new owners “for insurance purposes but mostly existential fear.” An ongoing investigation by Homeland Security seeks to determine whether the entire township is salvageable.

“I love you, Claire!!”
— Andrew W. via SMS

This lacks evidence.

According to Google calendar, this was…

Jim Hopper runs an Etsy shop for upcycled soap dishes made using knick-knacks from the upside-down.

Illustration by Emily Clouse

Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)

In the show’s five unaired episodes, Lorelai cashes in on insurance fraud after committing the arson of the Dragonfly Inn.

Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)

Doctors have high salaries. As other doctors die, Meredith accumulates their compensation and healing magicks.

The Gang (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!)

Soon after Mystery Inc.’s IPO, the gang retires with millions in stock options. They later squander their wealth by investing in snacks that are only appetizing to one dog.

Pablo Escobar (Narcos)

Loving the flexibility of the gig economy, Pablo pays rent by dog-walking, Uber-driving, and house-sitting. Most of his money is made through tips.

House Tarly (Game of Thrones)

House Tarly’s ancestors founded a successful professional reference network called ChainLinkedIn.

Rick Sanchez (C-137) (Rick and Morty)

Rick clones…

Adam Rozak

Chicago-based writer and improviser daylighting as a technical project manager - He/Him

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