Leech your way to financial freedom. — Old folks tell me I’m too young and capable to retire at 25, which is ageist. I earned my retirement through many excruciating hours of mental gymnastics. Now I’m both a financial genius and the poisonous thorn in the side of people who love me unconditionally. While most of my…

I’m going completely off the grid. In fact, consider me dead. — Hey big boss, it’s me, your Self Control. Just wanted to step in and let you know I’m going on a trip to Acapulco. I’ve been working major overtime these past few months, what with white-knuckling sanity and all. So I’m looking forward to a week of sunshine, pedicures, and…

No tweet, slogan or drunk text goes unchecked. — “The black mold — it’s rounding the corner. We’ve done an amazing job. Gone by December, they say. GONE.” — Maria S., Realtor This is false. At the time of this email, the kitchen’s deadly black mold was not “rounding the corner” but was developing sentience at record pace. Soon…

Jim Hopper runs an Etsy shop for upcycled soap dishes made using knick-knacks from the upside-down. — Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls) In the show’s five unaired episodes, Lorelai cashes in on insurance fraud after committing the arson of the Dragonfly Inn. Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy) Doctors have high salaries. As other doctors die, Meredith accumulates their compensation and healing magicks.