Published in Slackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyYour Career Hinges On An Order From My Child’s Holiday FundraiserClinch your promotion from the jaws of this nutcracker ($35.99). — Season’s Greetings! The holidays must be here, because I’m making my list of go-getters and checking it twice. So as you anticipate spending time with family by the fire, please remember that ordering from my child’s school fundraiser is the single biggest factor in promotions and raises. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jun 30, 2021Member-onlyHow I Retired At 25 By Being A Burden To My FamilyLeech your way to financial freedom. — Old folks tell me I’m too young and capable to retire at 25, which is ageist. I earned my retirement through many excruciating hours of mental gymnastics. Now I’m both a financial genius and the poisonous thorn in the side of people who love me unconditionally. While most of my…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Feb 1, 2021I Sold a 24k Gold Wii to GameStop for $4 in 2008, Why Are They in My Newsfeed Now?An explanation of crowdsourced keyboard monkeys pillaging Wall Street. — I sold a 24k gold Wii to GameStop for $4 in 2008, why are they in my newsfeed now? GameStop’s stock has been the subject of a high-profile trading strategy led by r/WallStreetBets, a Reddit-based community of self-aware, vulgar nerds igniting their student loan money to see if it multiplies…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Dec 13, 2020Member-onlyI’m Your Self-Control And FYI I’m On PTO Next WeekI’m going completely off the grid. In fact, consider me dead. — Hey big boss, it’s me, your Self Control. Just wanted to step in and let you know I’m going on a trip to Acapulco. I’ve been working major overtime these past few months, what with white-knuckling sanity and all. So I’m looking forward to a week of sunshine, pedicures, and…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in The Haven·Nov 26, 2020Member-onlyAfter Election, New York Times Fact-Checkers Turn ElsewhereNo tweet, slogan or drunk text goes unchecked. — “The black mold — it’s rounding the corner. We’ve done an amazing job. Gone by December, they say. GONE.” — Maria S., Realtor This is false. At the time of this email, the kitchen’s deadly black mold was not “rounding the corner” but was developing sentience at record pace. Soon…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Sep 14, 2020Member-onlyHow 19 TV Show Characters Afford Their Lavish LifestylesJim Hopper runs an Etsy shop for upcycled soap dishes made using knick-knacks from the upside-down. — Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls) In the show’s five unaired episodes, Lorelai cashes in on insurance fraud after committing the arson of the Dragonfly Inn. Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy) Doctors have high salaries. As other doctors die, Meredith accumulates their compensation and healing magicks.Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
